The Web Browser for Criminals

iCloud Hacking

Tor lets you hack iCloud to bend someone's iPhone 6 using remote microwave radiation

Arson

Tor can break through your victim's firewall to light their computer on fire

Free Pedobear Doll

Anyone who uses Tor gets a free Pedobear doll! Use it to gain a child's trust! Its nose is a webcam!

Pirate Bay Search Engine

The Pirate Bay is the default search engine in Tor. Why bother with Google? Cut out the middle man

Hacker 4chan

Tor is the official browser of infamous hacker, 4chan

Aero-Narcotics

Tor will use drones in Washington and Colorado to remotely fly illicit drugs to your home

Bitcoin Integration

Euro, USD, and all other fiat currency values are automatically converted and shown as Bitcoin (the currency for criminals) when using Tor

Automobile download

The latest version of Tor finally lets you download a car. Only electric cars can be downloaded (because electricity = internet).

NSA Proof

Tor browser is completely NSA proof. You can conduct your illegal and blatantly non-ethical activities with no oversight from Big Brother.


Requirements

Tor is optimized for modern ISPs (like Google Fiber) and is incompatible with Comcast

Who uses Tor?

People who are concerned about their privacy
Murderers, Terrorists, the Cobra Commander, Sauron, and Criminals

Why use Tor?

*cough* NSA *cough*
Because you are a scoundrel, a knave, and you have criminal activities to hide. Why else would you want anonymity ?


An obvious (I hope) satire by
Jordan Rejaud